hi! it’s me, Alina.
you might notice this newsletter looks a little different… well, i feel different. ever since my tumblr days, my online presence has always had to match whatever reinvention i was going through. i’d delete everything and start fresh. i guess i’m too old for that now, but the intention is the same.
i find myself back here after over a year of being a full-time mum. Gaia is almost 20 months (that’s a year and a half for the non-parents, haha). do you know how much a toddler can do (or learn to do) at this stage? it’s pretty mindblowing. we’re almost having real conversations now. i say “almost” because i don’t always understand what she’s trying to say, and that can get her really frustrated.
a year ago, things were totally different. Gaia was a lot less fussy when we were outdoors, so i walked a lot. my poor feet were in a rough state. we’re lucky to have so many parks nearby, but the nearest green space is the general cemetery. it’s not your typical cemetery. the Sheffield General Cemetery opened in 1836, and the last burial was in 1978. it’s now a beautiful, preserved space with Victorian monuments and a chapel. it’s a lively place: people walk their dogs, play with their kids, and teenagers smoke on the grass. there are even regular events and gigs when the weather’s nice.
i walked past the cemetery every day, sometimes more than once. i’d often think about the strange contrast of raising a new life while surrounded by death. it never felt sinister to me, though. in fact, it felt oddly comforting—like a reminder of the ongoing cycle of life, from the first humans to us right now. life goes on.
there were times when i would feel exhausted and scared by the novelty of motherhood, but i kept going (what else can you do?). and when Gaia fell asleep, i’d sit on a bench and pray that no one made a loud noise and woke her up (of course, it happened. multiple times. it’s totally fine! i was just a raging, sleep-deprived mum!)
little by little, i started taking photos again. i didn’t have the time or energy to sit down and work on them until now. i’m not used to working at such a slow pace. usually, whenever i had new photos, i would want to share them immediately, or run the risk of not liking them anymore. but like i said earlier, things are different now. it’s actually nice to look at these photos a year later and realize that, despite the blur of those first few months of parenting, i’m glad i captured moments like a random tree at the cemetery.
here’s a song about living near cemeteries.
i miss it here whenever i’m not here. but i’ll be here again, soon. see you then!
thank you for reading <3
